2021新年好！申请冲冲冲！bittersweetness

 2021年到了！不知道这一年我的人生又会发生什么样的变化，是会碰到意想不到的机遇呢，还是会遭到不可描述的打击呢？

2020年末 2021年年初，我又开始了新的恋情。和之前一直欣赏的男生在一起了，加上考试带来的喜悦与成就感，内心有一点浮躁。也时常对自己的未来迷惑，不知道是否应该坚定自己的信念。

喜欢是一件事，但是随意地开启一段感情，觉得自己对自己和对他人都很不负责任。在家的时间，除了想念地难熬，自己也常常陷入沉思，自己究竟应该走向何方。出国读博一直是自己坚定的信念，包括在外界影响动摇地情况下，还是在我心中占有比较大的位置和分量。

今天和一位长者谈到自己未来规划和开始的新恋情的事情，长者说到“鱼和熊掌不可兼得”，包括自己也知道，当内心被目标和未来所充实的时候，是不会选择情感生活的，也很怕在自己第二次人生转折的时候，又因为情感问题影响自己的判断和决定。但是，这个时候，让我真的去说去谈去提分手，也是我无法做到的。毕竟是自己喜欢的人，同时也是自己害怕伤害的人。但好像，又是知道这是一段没有未来，不可能不分手的感情。懊恼自己的莽撞与草率，同时也害怕自己的在未来会后悔。人生就是这样的嘛？

申请的事情，自己也在慢慢推进，包括现在在挑选学校与导师，撰写CV和套磁信。

证书的认证与准备，申请资料的补充等等。

这不是一件容易的事情，希望自己的能坚持下去。

承认，自己在自律和定力方面的确不如妈妈坚强，希望妈妈能在这条路上一直支持我，肯定与帮助我。

23岁（即将24）好像是个又年轻又该成熟的年纪。时常感到自己未来的光明与希望，也常常陷入黑暗与迷茫。人生百味，先按照目前的状态走下去，试试看吧！

坚持，每天都要准备申请资料，哪怕看一篇paper，看一页学校的官网，注册一个账号，每天都要有所推进，坚持呀，夏夏宝贝！！

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